I have a shit ton of shit to do and all I wanna do is fuckin’ sleep. D: Movies and coffee will get me through this long ass night <3 long as my dad isn’t being an ass wipe and bitching about every fucking thing.
Maybe I should work on my cursing. Nah, i don’t give enough fucks to work on that shit. I’ll just sound like an a fuckin’ sailor.
I want to waste away into oblivion. I want to drink until the world fades into distant unassuming whispers. My successes dimmed by the black of my failures, and I just want out. No more fighting, no more pushing myself, because in the end, what is it for? A piece of paper? Self-satisfaction? Family pride? Is any of it worth it?
I want to fast forward to this summer, and then pause for eternity. I no longer want to be young or old. I want to be then. I want to be the fierce girl I used to imagine, the girl with nothing but strength and a warm heart. I feel icy; weakened by years of mistreatment and wanting nothing more than to reverse the irreversible. Was it worth this? Will it ever be worth this? Is it worth any more?
Weeks of HELL are about to begin. The dreadful exams that will test my ability to retain and put to use the information I have been learning over the past two years, plus the two years of prep before that.
Wednesday my IB Papers start and then it’s on and off test from there on. May 23rd needs to come quickly, well May 17th would satisfy me too (: (: (: [the 23rd is Senior Check= FINAL DAY OF HIGH SCHOOL, and the 17th is my last IB Paper]
The rest of my life is before me, I just need to get through this month, but I can do it, I am a fighter <3
SO I THINK I AM GOING TO DIE THIS WEEKEND.
I have my Art show to finish prepping today. A history test I *should* take. I need to be at a friend’s house by 9 to finish up OM stuff (I’ll be late because of previous items). Then I need to finish the backdrop for OM and do tons of practice. Then pack up all the cars and be heading to Orlando by 1 pm. Then it’s hours of driving, and then a hotel which means a little relaxing (: I might also go to dinner with a friend :D
BUT then Saturday is really when ALL hell breaks loose. I have to wake up at like 7 am, go do OM stuff at 8 and 9:30, and then go have brunch with my mom. Then I need to be in my car on my way home by 11 so I can be home by 1 (hopefully). Then from one to four I need to be transformed into someone actually pretty for PROM :D And then go to pictures and prom and then Czar afterwards for some crazy fun (; After Czar I’m spending the night at Ruhaani’s.
Sunday I am waking up and going to my cousin’s birthday party in Tarpon, which will last WAY too long.
However, all this considered, I have an HUGE essay to write for English and two art projects that MUST be finished this weekend. I’m just going to die.
I want someone nerdy enough to watch science fiction films with me.
I want someone childish enough to love Disney as much as I do.
I want someone smart enough to hold intelligent conversations with me, challenge me to think.
I want someone aware of all that I do.
I want someone kind enough to return my generosity.
I want someone forgiving, who allows for my ample amounts of faults.
I want someone who wants to cuddle up with me.
I want someone silly enough to make me laugh.
I want someone honest enough to be blunt when needed.
I want someone talkative so I never feel overbearing in a conversation.
I want someone taller than me.
I want someone who knows what they want in life, and is working for it.
I want someone who isn’t afraid to make mistakes.
I want someone brave enough to deal with my family and all its crazy.
I know this is a lot to ask for, but I could even be happy with just a few of these. I just want someone. Please?
I’m no super model; I’m just an average girl: decent rack and butt with a little extra in some places. My face isn’t covered in acne, but it isn’t flawless; my hair is a pretty blonde color and I’m trying to let it grow out. I don’t think of myself as ugly.
But somehow, with all this considered, I never think of myself as attractive. I’m not the girl at school that people tell is pretty, or gorgeous, or sexy, or hot. Compliments, for me, are rare. This doesn’t bother me, well for the most part, it just makes me think of myself as not being attractive to others.
So yesterday at dinner my dad used that new Ugly Meter PRO App on me, and I figured I would get a fairly low score. I got a 92 out of 100, which my dad went on to tell me is like fairly crazy, even all these celebrities scored lower than that, and I’m some sort of proportional goddess. I was entirely shocked. I literally sat there in utter disbelief.
Then this question struck me: If I’m so goddamn proportionally beautiful why am I not the one complimented, the one chased by boys, the one who finds themselves pretty? There has to be something either wrong with me, or the people I am around; things just don’t add up.
I JUST FINISHED MY EE! For those who care, that’s a major accomplishment for me. The fact that it’s late and short is besides the point, IT’S DONE. DONE. DONE.
Now all I have left to do tonight is my final revision of my TOK essay, 100 pages to read in Paddy Clarke and bs some notes for, and then memorize my Spanish Competition poem. OH! And all my OM sewing and poster making.
And then if I’m feeling really ambitious I could do the two Chem lab reports I have, my Group Four report, my CAS project reflections, and maybe eventually get to some scholarship applications.
Which, btw, I WON A SCHOLARSHIP (: (: (: (: (: $500, but it’s money all the same. (:
So with all that to do, I don’t know when I’ll be sleeping. Well to be honest, I’ll open Paddy, after I call a quits on TOK, and then fall asleep on it, to wake up in the morning with barely any time to get my butt out the door.
Sounds like fun D:
